My storm seems to have passed, at least for the moment. In a way, I feel like I’ve lost my process slightly, but I also feel like I’ve settled into a place which is much more calm, much less affected by whatever is happening around me. People seem to be coming to me lately as a calm place for them to come when they are in need of grounding. Something in that feels like I’ve come to a place I’ve been moving to for a while – a place more centered, more easy. I haven’t been feeling the joy quite as much though either, so I wonder what that is about. Feeling a little more flat actually. My youngest nephew is visiting me right now for his spring break and we’ve been having some good times together, going for hikes, making castles on the beach, making and installing some drawers in the house, playing games, watching movies, etc. My silly streak definitely comes through with him which is always welcome.
I haven’t been feeling much mojo to write these days. I hope that lightens up. Actually, it all seems fine. There is something in me which is beginning to deeply believe that life is unfolding exactly as it should and I haven’t been fighting or trying to alter my experience much at all lately. That’s very relieving actually.
I went to a movie tonight with my nephew and a friend of mine and her two girls – Alice in Wonderland. While there, I felt how much I’ve missed having a family and how alone in a specific family way I’ve been in my life. Funny, even though I believe that life is unfolding exactly as it should, I still feel like I have very strong preferences, a vision perhaps, of what my life is supposed to look like. That doesn’t exactly feel like allowance to me, like letting the world unfold as it will. This is a curious place for me. It feels like I’m on the cusp of something here, where my way of holding tight control over creating my present and future is relinquished into the hands of the universe. I love how transformation happens, for as it does it seems like I am able to simultaneously experience two opposing sensations. When change actually takes place, the old eventually falls away and the new remains. In this case, I’m feeling both the predilection to control and the ease of letting everything unfold as it will. We’ll see how this resolves.