spiritual roadblocks to s(h)itting

For the past couple of days, I’ve been paying close attention to why it’s hard to get to my cushion and actually meditate in the mornings. Something is happening internally which is getting in the way and I’m not really sure what it is, so I’m trying hard to pay attention and understand. Yesterday I noticed that there was this feeling of not wanting to be contained, and I think there is something about meditating that strikes some fear chord in me about being contained, restrained, held back.

This morning I cut a deal with my mind. I told it, “you can have the rest of the day, just let me have this time.” My mind thought that was reasonable and generously agreed. While sitting on my cushion, the urge to defecate arose, and I heard my mind say, “I’ve got to poop,” but something deeper in me, realizing that my mind has no alimentary canal, said, “no you don’t.” My mind, being ever so logical, couldn’t help but agree. My mind then said, “OK then, you have to poop.” and that deeper part of me, my being, knowing that it too has no excremental capacity, said back, “No I don’t.” There was then this funny moment, where my mind and my being conferred and said, “If you don’t have to poop, and I don’t have to poop, then who’s got to poop?” Good question.

Enlightenment can appear in the strangest ways sometimes.