I’ve been in a funk the past couple of days, feeling very low energy and having difficulty motivating myself to get things done or to take care of some of the more pressing issues in my life.
I’m thinking it has to do with Hookie still and her death. The day that I buried her, my nephew and his girlfriend came for a visit, and until a couple of days ago, I was around people fairly continuously. Now that I’m alone again, I think the grief of losing my little girl is upon me again. I had thought that I had gone through sufficient grieving leading up to her death and up to and through her burial, but after that, there hasn’t been much grieving. I had a little cry at her grave yesterday, but it feels like there is more that is still living inside me.
It’s amazing how precious she is to my heart. I think what she really does for me (tears already) is that she enabled me to touch the sweetest most loving tender parts of my own heart, and it is those sweet loving tender parts that feel very sad and alone.
Just writing that helped a little.
Things I really want to do right now:
- kitty prayers (which we’d say when i’d hold her prior to her eating her meals – “…and god bless all the little mousies, and the kitties everywhere, and may they always have enough to eat, and someone to pet them….)
- hear her purr
- go outside with her and eat breakfast
- wake her up and kiss her cute little face
- dance with her
- comb her
- face washings (where she’d lick my fingers and I’d wipe her face)
- birdie on a string game
- put my cheek to her chest while she’s lying down and feel her breathing movements
- take her across the street for another picnic
- beat her bottom
- sing her the Princess Belly Belly song (Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly Belly, I Am The Princess Belly Belly Belly Belly….)
- Just call her name out so she’ll meow back
- Lay down and read a book with her on my chest
It’s Sunday today, so I think I’ll take it easy, listen to a little Gospel music, get some flowers for her grave, and maybe go to a meditation/dharma talk this afternoon.
Thanks for listening, I think I just needed to talk about it a little.
One reply on “Still Grieving”
It’s really been a heavy, slow day. I finished watching one of my favorite films, “Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont,” and I sobbed during it. There is a song in it which the young man sings to the older woman he has befriended. It’s her favorite song and it makes her cry in the film as he sings it to her as it reminds her of her husband who she says wasn’t perfect because he left too soon. It touched me deeply and always does.“For all we know, we may never meet again,Before we go, make this moment sweet again,We won’t say goodnight until the last minute,I’ll hold out my hand and my heart will be in it.For all we know, this may only be a dream,We come and go, like the ripples of a stream,So love me tonight,Tomorrow was made for some,But tomorrow may never come,For all we know.”Nancee called me from Ireland on Skype and supported me a little too which was sweet.I went to the dharma talk which was great. It was nice to sit still with these feelings and be held within a sweet and supportive community. Picked some “cat tails” on the way home for Hookie’s grave and stopped by Safeway and got myself some roses. It’s turned into a sweet yet sad day.