I think it’s time. I’m really realizing why I’m keeping Hookie around even though she hasn’t eaten in 3 days and is getting noticeably weaker. It’s because I’m not ready to let her go. Reminds me of a song I once wrote with the lyric, “And I know as I’m letting go/That I don’t want to see her go/And I know as I’m holding on/That I don’t want to see her gone.” It’s kind of like that now really. I had a good cry with her this afternoon, doing my best to allow the feelings come and clear some space through me. The tears that came were really all about acknowledging that I didn’t want to let her go. Such a powerful bond we’ve developed, and her sweetness has wrapped itself around my heart and it’s hard simply to say goodbye. After my cry, I lay with her for awhile in the window seat trying to decide what to do. I decided to call the vet and try to make an appointment for tomorrow for a house call to have her euthanized. I was I guess a couple of minutes after closing time as they didn’t pick up. Assuming I feel the same in the morning, I’ll call them then and hopefully do it in the afternoon.
Amazing how much grief stays with us through time. As I was crying, the grief at my mom’s passing came up as well, not strongly, but they are certainly connected. This in a way is another opportunity for me to practice letting someone dear to me go. My mom passed so quickly from her cancer that there wasn’t honestly enough time to fully process that at the time. It did feel clean though, but I guess just not fully enough time to really converse with her about the truth of the goodbye.
Going through what I did this afternoon definitely created some space for making the decision to have her euthanized tomorrow. That’s the power of Truth for me, how it creates space for perfection to unfold as we get out of the way. I’m hoping the weather will be nice tomorrow as I’d like to have a picnic with Hookie in the spot where I’ll bury her. It will be incredibly bittersweet, but I think it would be nice to have a special memory associated with the place where she’ll end up, and have a sweet shared time together as one of our final memories together.