I’m still intrigued by the concept of Support and what it really means, and where it’s really supposed to come from. There is something that some people refer to as “False Will,” which basically means an internal sense of capacity/strength which develops as a practical substitute for a true internal capacity which is otherwise lacking. Without watching and knowing oneself very closely, one can really be fooled. It seems like I’ve developed a strong False Will which has given me the capacity to function well and actually successfully in the world. It gives me the strength to “put myself out in the world.” One of the ways that I can tell that it is false is that I actually need some form of strength to put myself out into the world. If it were more effortless, then I think that would be more of a reflection of a True Will, as one might call it.
A week ago I performed in a local restaurant/bar in my town, playing piano/guitar and singing. I did three sets. I bring this up as a real life example for me because it was far from effortless in doing this. Getting the gig, and agreeing to a date were definite internal hurdles for me to overcome (Yea false will!). I received lots of external support from friends who called before and after in encouraging me, and also from people who actually came to the concert including Czarina who drove up from SF and about 10 or so local friends I’ve made up here. The external support is actually very important to me. I only invited local people here who I thought would be appreciative, and attentive (i.e. supportive). The applause after songs often threw me, as I would often be entranced into a song and then pulled out at the end by the applause. How strange that experience is too, although that’s not necessarily germane to this topic.
Exploring the relationship between internal and external support, it’s important for me to state that I’m really most interested in internal support, that internal True Will. I want to flow effortlessly in the world, bringing manifestation to ideas and creating freely. There is a definite block in me, since I often have good and sometimes big ideas, but don’t usually follow through with initiating them. External support seems to be valuable in part I guess because it’s not necessarily feeding into the False Will concept but rather mirroring the True Will, the true inner support that is needed. I guess that’s true, but it’s still coming from the outside. As a human being, I guess that’s kind of par for the course, that needing of external support.
It gets trickier for me because of the relationship of this whole topic to Trust. You see, I don’t really trust that support will really be there. On an intellectual level maybe I trust that, but on a much deeper internal level, I really don’t. Really don’t. As I’ve sat with this lately, which can be excruciatingly difficult, it’s become clear how I’ve become capable and also my own support structure (note the obvious that I’m still single after so many years). I let in support, and actually have come to depend on that external support (can someone help me pick out curtains please?), yet don’t trust that it is really going to be there. Thus I get caught in this trap of pulling relationships toward me to get the support, and then pushing them back because I need to be able to depend mostly on myself rather than another. It’s quite a bind which is coming up in my face more than ever these days, and I must admit I’m tired of it. T-I-R-E-D of it. So on top of these struggles, I’m also tired, quite exhausted actually, which doesn’t really give me a lot of fortitude to directly sit with this stuff, which I must.
Someday I’ll tell you about We Who Are Thankful, an organization I’d like to start someday which would be a sort of support group for people who share a common thread of Thankfulness, who wish to cultivate that Thankfulness, and a desire to use that sense of thankfulness as a motivating force in manifesting their spirits in this world. I think it’s important to have that kind of Support available as we work on developing our own internal capacity for support.
I guess that’s it for now. More to come I’m sure, but through this post I’m starting to see more clearly the internal/external landscape that affects our/my capacity to be in the world more completely, uninhibited, free.
And the truth shall set you free.
I’m trying……….
Oh, and the picture above is of Ramana Maharshi who died nearly 60 years ago. I’ve always loved this picture. His eyes are the most loving, supportive eyes in a photograph I’ve ever seen. Sometimes it’s helpful to see in someone else’s eyes what it’s supposed to feel like inside.